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The Journey to Healing is Never Ending

June of 2021, was the year my life fell apart! Looking back that should have been a year full of joy, happiness, and love. I completed so many of my goals and firsts that year: I turned 25, I bought a car, I traveled out of the country, I published my first book and how could I forget, I graduated with my second degree! But those good things didn’t seem to matter. I began to have conflict with some of my colleagues, ultimately, I felt I was being treated unfairly. Without a back-up plan or another job secured, I quit. I wasn’t going to continue to be somewhere, that I was clearly unwanted. I am firm believer, that there can be multiple truths about life experiences, there is never one definite fact or truth, so in hindsight it also happened to be the year that put everything into perspective for me. After quitting, I was out of work for a month and a half. As someone that has always felt the need to do something productive, not having anything to do during the day was starting to get to me. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for a majority of my life, but baby that wave of depression hit a little different this time around.

During this time, I tried my best to use all the tools my therapist had given me, to keep my depression from settling in. I was mediating, journaling, going for walks, letting the sun into my apartment as much as possible, and sitting by water when I had the chance. Those things weren’t working and somehow, I managed to become angrier. I was upset for allowing myself to get into this situation, I was mad at the people around me for constantly nagging and being in my business but offering no help whatsoever, and I was mad at the world! By society’s standards, I did everything right, after high school I went straight to undergrad, while preparing to receive my undergrad degree, I was preparing and taking my grad school courses. I applied for every job imaginable, but no jobs were coming in. By this time, my anxiety was in over kill, not only was I unmotivated but bills and responsibilities were beginning to pile up and most of my funds had been depleted; but I knew I needed to get it together, because the fear of losing everything I worked for, was greater than the depression that was threatening to take over.

Fast-forward to September of 2021, I remember getting up early one morning and getting on Indeed and LinkedIn and applying for at least 10 jobs that morning. Not expecting anything to come from those applications, because that had been the pattern for the last for weeks; I was surprised that one of the jobs had responded so quickly. They wanted to set up an interview for the following day. I was super excited, and the job happened to be in the same township that I graduated from, so I knew something good would come from this. The next day comes, and I am to kill it in this interview, which went extremely well. A few hours later, I received a call, that I got the job! Whew did I feel like a ton of bricks had been lifted from my shoulders! I finally had a peace of mind and could take care of my piling responsibilities. As I got back into the groove of having a daily routine, things didn’t feel right. I was beginning to feel worse than I did when I was unemployed. The long, grueling weeks turned to long, grueling months, and again, not that I wasn’t grateful to have my job, but I was NOT happy! I was making less money than what was originally quoted to me, the environment was unsupportive, and there was never a full week of work (school) due to either COVID or strikes that were happening within the district. Not only was home life stressful, but work added to it, and I felt like I had no outlet. I was truly at my wits end. I never really had much of a social life, but my routine had consisted of going to work and coming home to numb my thoughts and feelings.

This is where it gets dark, the beginning of 2022 had rolled around, and I found myself back in the same position I was in no less than six months ago. Over Christmas break, I had contracted COVID, which prompted my decision (along with a few other factors) that I wasn’t going to return for the Spring semester. Here I was again, no real job lined up, savings gone and beginning to wallow into depression again. Remember when I mentioned earlier that the wave of depression that hit was a different beast? What I felt was complete darkness and loneliness -absolutely alone with my thoughts and feelings of unworthiness, incompetence, and feeling like a failure. Imagine being in a constant state of darkness, not knowing how to truly communicate how you’re feeling or what you’re going through, a true abyss. I had convinced myself there was no light at the end of this tunnel. Depression had invaded my entire body, I didn’t leave the house, hell I barely left my room, I lost my appetite, I was crying every day, and I was so, so angry. To be honest I think I was more rageful than anything. The slightest inconveniences to my day would have me cussing, screaming, throwing my phone at the wall, or punching whatever was next to me. I also shut out the people that I love the most. The only solace I felt were the constant thoughts of suicide; they consumed my mind day & night.

For reasons unbeknownst to me, I couldn’t bring myself to commit the deed. Partly because my sisters and my nephew were living with me at the time. I don’t think I could have ever lived with myself making that decision with them living with me or imagining one of the three of them coming into my room to check on me and I don’t respond. Because of that, I knew I had to start doing the small things to get myself out of the deep hole that I cocooned into. That started with me making one of the scariest and most courageous decisions of my life, I decided I needed a fresh start, a re-do, someplace I would be happy and could see myself flourishing. I decided that I was going to move to Texas. I began applying for jobs between both Dallas and Houston. At the moment, it didn’t matter what city I moved to, as I have friends in Dallas, that would have helped make the transition easier, but deep in my heart I was manifesting Houston. March 8th, 2022, which also happened to be my 26th birthday, started off horribly. It didn’t feel special, in my mind, it was another day that should have ended with the blink of an eye. While at work I couldn’t focus, I was bursting out in tears every other second, and I’m pretty certain that I had an anxiety attack too. Around 10:00 am that day, my first break rolled around. I went to sit in my car, so I could realign myself. By the end of my break, I realized that I had a missed call from a 346 number and when I played the voicemail back, I was jumping for joy. I received the best birthday gift ever; I made it to the final interview and moving to Texas was beginning to become real. March 31st, 2022, my life changed forever! I accepted the job and would be moving to Houston, Texas later that year!

Four months later, July 15th, 2022, to be exact, I packed up my life and what I knew as comfortability and family, and began my journey on my own and moved to Houston! Here I am a year later, in the place that I have always wanted to be. I share my story, because I want people to know that it is never too late to start over and begin anew. Sometimes, all most people need is a do-over to get their lives back on track. From March 2022, leading up to my goodbye from my hometown there were endless challenges, trials and tribulations that tested my growth and mindset. I can’t say I faced those challenges in a healthy way, because I most definitely didn’t. At one point, I began to think moving to Houston was out of the question. But I made it! Since my move, I have been in such a happy place, I’ve experienced so much growth and have met so many amazing people that have aided in my journey. That’s not to say Houston hasn’t had its challenges, because baybee, I have been tested and tried! I’ve learned how to respond to inconveniences and challenges. My message to anyone experiencing depression, anxiety, negative thinking, battling suicidal thoughts, or just mental illness in general, it may not be what you want to hear right now in this moment; but please know that your situation, your darkness is temporary! Everything in life has a season and a reason and know that if you find that courage and willingness to defeat this ugly season you are going to come out on top and shining better than ever.

As I said earlier, 2021 was the year my life fell apart, but it was also the year about perspective, lessons, and learning about myself. The biggest takeaway from that year and half of hardships I experienced, was to always be grateful and accept the challenges of life with grace. Most importantly, I learned that I am Brave and Courageous, for picking up my life and starting a new. A year ago I could only imagine what my life would be like in Houston. Now a year later, I am living out my manifestation and I couldn’t be happier for the journey that life has taken me on so far!

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