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The Pandemic Made Me Do It

On August 22, 2018, I physically walked away from 18 years of an abusive marriage. The emotional, verbal and financial abuse generated major depression, anxiety and 400 pounds of undesired weight.

Until March 2020, my emotional stance chronically operated from previous PAIN and DESPAIR. It was during the early stages of the pandemic when my soul was hijacked and I was forced to ask myself the following questions:

1. What is happening to me?

2. Why is it happening? (After I departed from my home and marriage for safety reasons)

Yet, the stillness of LIFE aligned me to embrace the process and divorce the outcome. I could not believe I accepted a lifestyle that created self-condemnation.

My relationship with GOD took a back seat since I was combating the flesh to EXIST and not LIVE.

Therefore, I had to turn my relationship with GOD around on so many levels.

The relationship with myself was in chaos since I desired to please people, especially people who assisted me financially during my transition. The spirit of self-condemnation persuaded me that I owed my LIFE to those same people, which resulted in me sacrificing my own peace.

The relationship I had with food manipulated my mind into believing it was okay to overeat and consume alcohol more than usual because of my pain. When in fact, it was the spirit of self-condemnation that packed on nearly 400 pounds from an abusive marriage. I knew my life would end soon if I did not get help fast.

As a result, during the pandemic, I began to shift my focus and started asking for help in various ways: via therapy, exploring virtual workouts and scheduling virtual doctor's appointments to address chronic illnesses. This was the beginning of me focusing all my energy not on fighting the old, but on rebuilding the new:

-RE-building my relationship with GOD.

-RE-building my relationship with myself.

-RE-building and RE-focusing my relationship with family and friends.

-RE-building boundaries to protect my space.

And by RE-building the new:

-I seized the spirit of self-condemnation.

-I intentionally work daily to improve my soul.

-I maintain a healthy mental and physical weight.

-I consistently work on my relationship with GOD.

Now, a personal request to my readers:

Marry the Process, Divorce the Outcome.

Blessings to you and yours,


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Tracey J Felder
Tracey J Felder
May 15, 2021

So very proud of you. I’ve seen the power of your strength grow as you put the importance of loving yourself first.


Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve seen you evolve and blossom. You are an inspiration. Thank you for allowing me into your space.

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